Maybe There Are Some Things I Just Can’t Make Better At Home
These are homemade “Mello-creme pumpkins.” They are very cute in their pumpkin-y plumpness, aren’t they? And don’t they have a rustic, artisanal quality rarely to be found in their bland, mass-produced cousins? These are rich in butter, sweet with best quality corn syrup and fine white sugar, boiled gently, hand-molded, and ridged with a bamboo skewer.
In fact, they surpass their counterparts in every way except one: They are impossible to eat. It seems that while I was trying to make a soft and chewy confection I accidentally stumbled on an alchemical formula that converts confectioners sugar to adamantium. You could kill someone with a single cucurbit, if you had a slingshot handy. You could probably bring down a helicopter with one, if you were Clive Owen in *Shoot ‘Em Up.” Our household hammer makes no impression on them.
I put them in an airtight container with a slice of apple, on the principle that it works on brown sugar. Next morning, a thin layer of orange slime had been shed on the apple, but the pumpkins were unchanged.
I finally threw them out–I was afraid to put them on the compost heap.