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Maybe There Are Some Things I Just Can’t Make Better At Home

October 13, 2009

These are homemade “Mello-creme pumpkins.”  They are very cute in their pumpkin-y plumpness, aren’t they?  And don’t they have a rustic, artisanal quality rarely to be found in their bland, mass-produced cousins?  These are rich in butter, sweet with best quality corn syrup and fine white sugar, boiled gently, hand-molded, and ridged with a bamboo skewer.

In fact, they surpass their counterparts in every way except one:  They are impossible to eat.  It seems that while I was trying to make a soft and chewy confection I accidentally stumbled on an alchemical formula that converts confectioners sugar to adamantium.  You could kill someone with a single cucurbit, if you had a slingshot handy.  You could probably bring down a helicopter with one, if you were Clive Owen in *Shoot ‘Em Up.”  Our household hammer makes no impression on them.

I put them in an airtight container with a slice of apple, on the principle that it works on brown sugar.  Next morning, a thin layer of orange slime had been shed on the apple, but the pumpkins were unchanged.

I finally threw them out–I was afraid to put them on the compost heap.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. October 14, 2009 6:58 am

    In the photo, they look really convincingly like stemmed clementine oranges. Maybe you’ve reinvented wax fruit?

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